Splintered Reflections

Recently, a very dear friend of mine, Olivia Mackinder, asked me on Twitter what my latest blog post would be about.

I responded thoughtfully, “Femininity, Judgement and Listening.”

“Quite an epic then!” She replied.  She wasn’t wrong.

The truth is, there is so much going on in my life right now that I do not know where to begin. For those of you that read my previous post about my interview with Karl from The Dialogue Project, and who know me well, you will know that since the interview, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Not least because I have had to listen to the interview to give Karl the go ahead. But I’ll talk more about how that felt later…

For now, I guess I’ll just start with the description I gave to Olivia and try and elaborate on what each part of that sentence means to me.

Feminity.  I have struggled with that word.  Not in my understanding of it, but merely in my embracing of it, as part of me; a woman.

In 2004, during a time when I was dabbling with things of a tree-hugging and crystal-dangling nature, I attended a course in Birmingham called “Love Yourself, Heal Your Life”.  It was a week long course, based on the book by Louise Hay.  The course included 40 participants and concentrated on activities and exercises designed to “strip away” negative thinking patterns, encourage positivity and, ultimately, leave the participant with an understanding of how to love themselves fully.  Why I embarked upon that course is, again, part of my story that I would like to expand upon in book form.

That course marked the start of a chain of life-changing events that saw me uprooted from my home in a beautiful, sleepy part of rural Suffolk and tossed me effortlessly through a whirlwind, and intensely difficult, few years.  I finally came back down to earth and a peaceful, albeit it possibly temporary, resting place in a tranquil part of Switzerland.

The course itself was intense, upsetting, awkward, joyous, terrifying and hysterical.  From six minute hugs with complete strangers (and I mean big bear hugs, body against body, cheek to cheek) to beating pillows with fists and screaming like banshees, it was utter madness; Underpants-On-Heads-And-Pencils-Wedged-In-Nostrils MADNESS.

Patricia Crane, the course facilitator and author of Ordering From The Cosmic Kitchen said that our group had been one of the “most vulnerable she had encountered in several years”.  Personally, I think she was referring to me.  I was particularly loopy.

So loopy, in fact, that when I left the course on Sunday evening, vowing to make my marriage work and become a different person (essentially to “make him love me again”), it only took me until the following Thursday to leave my husband and have sex with a stranger in a pub toilet. I was in utter turmoil.  And this turmoil marked a time in my life when I began to “freefall”….

But what had “unleashed” this part of me? During intense moments on the course, I realised that I had a problem with beauty and femininity.  It had dawned on me that I simply felt I wasn’t feminine. I wasn’t beautiful. I had nothing to offer. Nothing to offer anyone at all.  I was just a thing that took up space.

So, of course, it stands to reason that, at the end of the course, when I had decided to try and like myself and not to buy into an idea that had previously been sold to me that I was unattractive, undesirable; unwanted, the first person to show me some interest and affection would receive nothing but interest and affection from me.  Perhaps a little too much…

That was then.  After leaving my husband and being sexually promiscuous for a time, I realised that my reaction to being starved of attention for so long was unrealistic and that I needed to calm down.  What had been fun and exciting was turning into yet another way to damage my self-esteem.  I was sabotaging myself.  I found equilibrium once more through abstaining from relationships and travelling on my own around Borneo.  I came back refreshed, cleansed; at peace.  I did not know that some time after my return to the UK, I would find a new relationship, one based on love, equality, partnership, respect and, above all, friendship.  Another story, for another time…

Jump forward four years and the word femininity has come into play in my life once more.  After three years of being at home with small children, the time has come to once again embrace my womanhood.  Sick of feeling like a drudge, a carer, even a slave at times, I recently went out and bought a few summer dresses.  After a rare night out, tarted up to the nines in a summer dress and high heels, I vowed on Twitter that I wanted to wear dresses more.  That same night I stayed up until gone 2 am, just clattering around the parquet flooring in my new heels like a drunken Bambie, and not unlike a small child refusing to take off new slippers at bedtime.  In fact, I seem to recall placing my heels next to my bed when I slept, so that they would be the first thing I would see when I woke up. Forget the unspoilt angelic faces of my beautiful children gently waking me from my slumber in the morning, I wanted to see my Fuck Me Shoes.

That was three weeks ago and I am proud to say that I have worn a floaty little number every day since making that statement. And man, I feel like a woman!

That brings me to judgement…

Many of you know that these days, Twitter is my social media of choice.  I find it great to make new connections and, above all, publicise my writing. It works well in both areas.

But it has its downsides. I just happen to have unwittingly slipped down two of them in the last fortnight.  Whilst innocently tweeting with friends the other night, a mysterious user by the name of @TrueLoveQuest tweeted me.

The conversation thread went something like this:

(To my followers) @janeprinsep: So to summarise, my previous threats of GOING GIRLIE have been carried out. I’m wearing a dress. I have legs not wheels. It’s utter madness.
(In he comes…) @TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep After years of careful research I arrived to a very important conclusion about women. I like them.  Good for you.
(Forever the Court Jester) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest Me too. Especially the soft, sweet-smelling ones that down a pint, tell a filthy joke and go home and make raspberry coulis.

Now at that point, you would be forgiven for thinking I was being flippant.  HOWEVER, if you had also taken the time to read my tweets, I am often joking and it is meant to disarm, not offend.

The conversation continued:

@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep If you’re not doing it for love you’re wasting your time. Life is more fun when love is involved.
(Intrigued…) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest Er, that’s very deep indeed. Doing what, precisely? I am a big fan of the FUN + LOVE mashup.
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep We measure our lives, not by days of years, but by how many times we have loved and been loved.
(Spying a challenge…) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest If someone has never been loved or been in love, does that make their life worthless? If their deeds and words come from love?
(And like a dog with a bone…) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest When you say “we”, who are you speaking for exactly? Surely we only speak for ourselves?
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep When our lifetime is complete we don’t get a chance to speak for ourselves. Those that we leave behind speak for us.
(Flippantly…ok, ok, SORRY!) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest Evasive. If I was standing at a bus stop with ALL my friends and family, and a bus mowed us all down, I’d be FUCKED, yes?
THEN THIS SET OF CORKERS!!!
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep Have no fear my dear. All is not lost for I love you. And always will. I can see the beautiful child hiding inside.
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep I hope someday you regain your faith in love.
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep Every day we are given a choice, to love or to hate. That includes ourselves.  It is your choice, not mine to make, every day.
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep May you find peace, and love, and happiness on your chosen path thru life.  I have on mine.
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep It is when we share our differences of opinion that our view of the world grows larger.

Now, bear in mind at this point, that Mr TLQ has been following ME, not vice versa…

He then went on to tweet on his general timeline, to his followers:

@TrueLoveQuest If you don’t believe in yourself you forfeit the right to expect others to.  So what did you expect, the truth or a lie?
@TrueLoveQuest Surrender is not complete until both sides have laid down their weapons.
@TrueLoveQuest Unless you learn to forgive and forget, when the anger fades fear will always rush in to take its place.
@TrueLoveQuest There will always be times when we feel the courage of our convictions begin to fade and we seek the consolation of friends to renew us.
@TrueLoveQuest I am having one of the those moments.
@TrueLoveQuest There are so many in the world today who have suffered so much, and lost the desire to love and be loved.
@TrueLoveQuest As their hate slowly consumes them they wreak havoc upon those who venture too close to the locked and bolted door to their heart.

He then addressed me again:
@TrueLoveQuest: @janeprinsep I am sorry if I have annoyed you.  If you find no value in our conversation then I will quit.  But, I will remember you.
(Wanting to end this now…) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest You’re so at peace & basking in pure love, but WHY is your voice fighting to be heard on others’ timelines UNINVITED?
(And to hammer it home…) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest You haven’t annoyed me. I would only get hurt and annoyed by someone who mattered.  I just find your viewpoint invalid.
(And finally…) @janeprinsep: @TrueLoveQuest I wish you all the best. I won’t take any of this personally, as I understand it is purely projection.  Good luck.

Some VERY strong words and implied accusations were thrown at me that evening. Hate, Anger, Fear. Losing the desire to love and be loved.  And they applied to ME?

Upon checking his timeline, NOT ONE person had tweeted him during the period of this exchange. Several had tweeted me in support.  I am in no way saying that the number of times a person is tweeted has any correlation with how much they are loved.  BUT, he had made the accusation that I did not have love in my life. What does that mean?  Does it mean that he understands the true meaning of love and I do not?

He wasn’t the only one.  After a brief exchange the other morning, a follower by the name of @David_Standard branded me immoral, depraved and banal.  This was after I had offered him a “cyber-towel” because he had tweeted that he was hot.  He took offence to this because he thought I was trying to chat him up.  He reminded me that he was married.  I reminded him that he was insane and of a one-track mind.  Cue some thoughtfully-worded tweets from the Twitter Mob (my loyal followers) and within half an hour Mr Standard-By-Name-Standard-By-Nature had deleted his account and was swallowed up into the mush that is Twitter History.  Actually, I am not proud of that, I am not proud that he deleted his account essentially because of me.  However, I do think that if you sling mud, you should expect to get dirty.

But, as with every new experience in life, that lead me to think a lot about judgement.  Here was a stranger, two in fact, questioning my behaviour, whether or not I was happy, whether I knew what true love really was.  Am I? Do I?  One thing I do know, is that I am my own judge.

The way I see it, everything in life is multi-faceted. That’s what makes it, and indeed us, interesting.  Am I happy? Yes, sometimes.  Am I angry, yes, sometimes.

Am I depraved because I give my daughter Reiki before she goes to bed, and then go online and make jokes about wanking?  Am I immoral because I like to write about sexual fantasies, and then have a coffee break, change my son’s nappy and watch a bit of This Morning?  Am I banal for writing, talking, joking about sex?  Does the fact that I do all of those things make the relationship with my partner any less sacred?

I want to be a “good person”.  I strive to be “balanced”.  But that does not forgo the desire to explore new experiences, languish in light and shade and jump off the springboard of joy to delve into the “darkest depths” of the human psyche from time to time.

I suppose in some ways you could say that I am on a quest for True Love.  Not some Mills & Boon love story with a knight in shining armour, however.  I already have my Geek Boyfriend and I love him beyond all measure (I am so glad I decided to “think outside the box” when I first met him).

Maybe I could describe my life as being a quest to love myself.  But in doing that, I am learning to accept and love the darker sides to myself too.  Those that can’t, well that’s entirely their business…

And so to listening…

Recently I listened to my interview.  I poured a glass of wine, sat on my terrace overlooking the mountains, lit candles and plugged myself into my headphones.  Within 20 seconds I was in tears.  Not because I was “ripe” for a breakdown, but simply because it was the first time I had been able to step outside myself and think, “Wow Chick, you’ve been through A LOT!  Well done for getting this far!”  I wanted to hug that girl, I wanted to hold her tight and never let go.

And after an hour of listening, crying, gulping wine and blowing my nose, I learned something about the “darker” sides to myself that some may not approve of…

The very fact that I can enjoy sex, whether doing it or talking about it, is a miracle.  One that I am prepared to rejoice about until the day I shuffle off this mortal coil.

For that I remain resolutely unashamed.

I hope that @TrueLoveQuest listens to my dialogue with Karl, if nothing else, just on the basis that he expected me to listen to him and I think it would show his good manners if he would return the favour.

I actually think he might learn something about True Love.

And as for everyone else, tomorrow you get to see for yourselves.  You will learn a little more about me, if you indeed choose to sit down and listen.  I hope you do.  I hope you will listen so that you can recommend to any other victims of a sexual attack to listen to it too.  My dearest wish is that this piece of audio will reach someone who lies on their bed at night, terrified, disturbed, alone and can give them just the tiniest flicker of hope that life WILL become joyous again.

Because it WILL.

I also hope you will listen because it will make my journey to this point even more worthwhile than it has already become.

Tomorrow is the day you get to listen.

I am fully aware that everyone will make their own judgement.

Go on, judge me…

This blog post is dedicated to Olivia Mackinder.  Olivia features in my whole “story” in other ways too. I’m not giving too much away as there is plenty of time for that, other than when I think of when I first met her I will always think of mittens-on-a-string.  It ALWAYS makes me smile.  What I will say now, is that if it wasn’t for Olivia, I would not have met Karl. I would not have had this life-changing conversation with him.  For that, and for many other things, I am truly thankful to her.