In the last two and a half years, my eyes have been suddenly, and unexpectedly, prised open as to what it means to be a parent. Gone are the preconceived beliefs I held throughout my childhood and twenties; cast-iron thoughts that I would be a “certain” type of parent that would do things a “certain” way, no matter what.
Parenthood has truly thrown a curveball at me, well, two as a matter of fact. They are small, noisy, extremely demanding, and were thrown at me in extremely quick succession. I didn’t even have time to duck.
I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly at 31, after being in a new, but promising, relationship for only a few weeks. After a failed marriage and subsequently resigning myself to a future without children, although shocked, I found myself feeling extremely excited, however, I was under no illusion of the enormity of what lay ahead.
If I am honest, it still “freaks me out”! I remember, after giving birth to my second child only thirteen months after my first, I found myself not wanting to think too deeply about the huge responsibility I suddenly felt with two small children, let alone one. I was careful to take each day at a time.
There was then, and still is now, no doubt in my mind that parenting is a 24/7, lifetime job. It is what, as parents, we sign up for. Or at least should.
However, I believe that as our children grow older and start to “fly the nest”, we need to adopt a slightly different approach to our life-long role we play in their lives.
The good news is, we can “let go” but still continue to “parent”. We just need to alter our perspective. To do this, we need to adopt a higher level of acceptance that they are their own people.
It is important to know that there is a fundamental difference between “instruction” and “guidance”; between “persuasion” and giving your child your honest opinion, when it is asked for.
“Being there” for your child, unconditionally, as they grow older and find themselves still needing you, is still considered parenting, at least to me.
Good communication is vital, and communicating with your child in an adult way is imperative. We need to try not to be judgemental. Forget that you feel that you may “know what is best”. You know what’s best for you. You can’t magically get inside their heads and hearts and know what it is that they think and feel. They will always feel part of us, but until they are parents themselves, this is a concept that they cannot understand.
I know from experience that a parent getting too actively involved in their offspring’s lives, can keep a grown adult in a very “child-like” place, perhaps forcing him/her into wrong decisions, and perhaps subconsciously on the part of the parent, ensuring that they go running back to them for comfort when it all comes tumbling down. It is easy to let a pattern carry on for years when it serves our own purpose and helps us to avoid “empty nest syndrome”.
They will come to us when they need us, particularly if we can provide them with a space of love; a space where they can be heard, but not judged.
This is the time of life when we can still help our kids to be aware of their choices. It is up to them to choose wisely. If they make mistakes, we need to try and trust that they will learn from them, as we continue to learn from ours.
After all, we want them to be the best people they can be. The more well-rounded, responsible, knowledgeable and emotionally intelligent people I know and love seem to me to be the product of somewhat more “passive-parenting”, particularly as they get older.
Our children fly the nest for a reason; to make it on their own.
